The truth is, I am a mess.

April fool was a utter disaster. It’s not that I got prank or anything. I got two news where 2 of my friends just went into a relationship. And my best friend, C told me she is into my little crush of two years, S.

“So what reaction you want from me?”

Our conversation was brief as I don’t have the time of the world to wait for her response, I have my exam in 2 days and I haven’t start studying.

And yeah. That day. My brain was too freeze to think and I yearned for someone to talk to. I know one and the only who will be able to listen to me and help me to straighten my mind. Well one thing, I did hesitate for five minutes because the topic was sorta… Em how can I say this, inappropriate given our previous history.

We talked, for like a almost four hours in my room. D and I talked about things. He asked how I felt and how I think. I was lost at that moment because everything seems to come too soon too fast that I didn’t see that coming. How I felt was a mess. A huge clump of feelings like foreign object in my body. My brain was all messed up with exams and memories and shits too much to be processed at once. I felt bad and mixed and I don’t know how I feel.

“Do you like him? How much you like him? Do you feel like a betrayal?”

I gave him vague answers and I was in a mess, because too much at stake. I can’t just give him any answers that comes into my mind. That is too dangerous. I sulked and he knew I was a mess and sad. I can see he was sad too.

Wednesday, April 2.

It was, funny. My bff, KY knew what happened. We ended up talking with D at the background using skype. We were talking about revenge and finding distractions. KY was suggesting D and I are the perfect match. Somewhere along the conversations, D spilled the beans about me and him last summer.

“we have been through this
we actually talked about this last summer”

I quickly stopped conversation to avoid my utter embarrassment. I need no extra mess in a day. Later on, I messaged him.

“that was bad. why did you tell ky ==”

“tear off all bandages, you just need to start fresh fresh

im glad I thought youd be more pissed off 

I just thought why not its been long enough we can just talk about it casually I hope it wasn’t uncomfortable for you, I wont bring it up again”

“it’s okay. yeah it’s long enough
i wasn’t pissed. just i don’t know how to talk about it or how to start talk about it.
 glad u brought it out.”

“its wrong of me to presume but
I am realizing that very often if I wait, I will never be ready
so I am also trying to confront everything asap”

The last sentence was weird. I don’t know why. I don’t know why he brought this up.  Left unanswered and puzzled. I don’ know how should I feel.

Thursday, April 3.

Things sorta settled. I woke up feeling like a brand new person. I don’t feel burden or any sort. I am free. I felt bliss. I met C later on that day for more explanation. We talked things out. Cleared the air. I am so happy for them. Sincerely. Things finally got closure.

That evening oddly D was asking for dinner at school. Ended up just two of us. We talked for like 1.5 hours. It was wonderful. We haven’t been feeling so freed and talk about everything. Somewhere along, he mentioned about how he felt when he first leaving the dorm last summer. Of course, it was hard felt. Especially for me too. It was terrible for me. I missed him dearly for leaving Hong Kong. That was the time I told him how I felt.

Do I still, felt for him? The truth is, I am a mess.


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