I pray.

To explain the dynamic of me, S and D will be pretty interesting. Well, at least it is very interesting in my opinion or maybe they are all just in my mind. The mix of familiarity and alienation. Strangely, I am trapped in such predicament. I told S about the story of me and D. I shown him the vulnerable part of me.

The pain has gone, long passed but the scars still remains. On occasions, we still meet each other. We’re the most familiar stranger. We still talk, we do but just not the same. Not the same. There is something different. There is an invisible boundary between us. I can always tell him how I felt. But it’s different for him. He has such ego in him. I accidentally step over the line by discovering his blog. That dark side of him, is never meant for anyone in this world. No one should read it. I did, and I still do. I never felt anything like this. After knowing his darkest side, I felt in love. That feeling is so strong that I think it’s unconditional. I love him both his good and bad side.I still love him. I still do. But I’m not in love anymore for sure. 

Telling S the story of D and me is a huge deal for me. After that few days, we didn’t talk about this anymore. He figured out who is that person I guess. S is a smartass. I won’t be surprise if he figured out. Today my bff told me he is indeed into someone. That someone I already long figured out, so I wasn’t that surprised, it just confirms my predictions and observations. One thing he said he won’t take any action. I felt relief for a bit. He said he is looking for someone who can accept as who he is. Not a bummer.

Yesterday night was a… I don’t know how to describe this. 5 of us, 2 gal bffs, S, D and me were studying in the lab together, sitting at one long table. It was… hmm. Funny. In that room, everyone knows I’m slightly into S. Meanwhile, S knows I was into D ( I never declared that person is D) and my gals have no idea what’s really going on (with the exception of knowing I’m into S currently). S was cute. We were joking and fooling around a bit. D was a bit tense. Exam-tensed as always. Especially in presence of others which he knows. His ego is weak and fragile. I can see he was in vain. But I can’t help to ease.

On the way walking back to our residence, it was weird, awkward with my two bff walking in front side by side, leaving me behind with them. I don’t know how to strike a conversation between them both. Because I just simply can’t find a commonality between them. One is my past. Another is the possible present. I can’t deal it well. Luckily my bffs noticed and spared me. Leaving me walking side by side with S only. We chatted all the way back to dorm. It was good. But I didn’t manage to look at D’s reaction. Or I simply don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore.

And with S, I don’t think we are going to be a couple or anything, but we’ll be good friend I guess. At least I hope so. I pray.

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