Confide, Confession, again.

I did something. Something in deep down, I know I shouldn’t do but I did it anyway. You can say it’s sort of a decision made out of adrenaline rush, desperation and crave for love and attention. I confided to S about D. *Okay people, I think I’ll call Kitty as S from now on, as for convenience and it’s silly to call him Kitty although he is cute. We talked about 4 hours till 4 am(a new record). Well, I told him almost all the highlights that he needs to know, leaving out some miscellaneous and important details that could expose D’s identity. But he did tried very hard  to figure out D’s identity. Nonetheless, for god’s sake I simply couldn’t tell him that guy is the one who sat right behind me during last high table dinner, while he was sitting right in front of me. That will be awkward…..Besides, he had this computer science project that he wanted to be one group with D, however they didn’t make a group together (THANK GOD FOR THAT), instead they did it individually. I’m not too sure about the whole story, but maybe D did it on purpose and don’t want to work with S, as he knows that I used to have little crush on S ( he ignored S’s message on suggesting to work as a group) and he used the reason didn’t know how to do and haven’t touch that assignment at the first place.

Okay. Back to the topic. A mutual friend of me and D just experienced an awful breakup and she shared one particular Thought Catelog post by my favorite blogger Brianna Wiest. You can read more by pressing the button below.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/02/how-the-people-we-once-loved-become-strangers-again/

D liked that post. It was weird. It’s very unlike him. He’ll never do that.  It was frustrating, I panicked and confided to S. Because I really need the advice from guy’s perspective.

“You have to let go, forget about it.”

I know I know. I’ve been in relapse for 8 months. I’m way better than I used to. This is just a minor panic and I need some comfort. I even told him about my masochistic behavior, where I went to pierce my upper earlobe (soft bones) and one earlobe some time during my grieving period, because I couldn’t stand feeling pain inside but not knowing what to do with it. So I externalize the pain, as it works similarly to self-inflicting non-deadly cuts on wrists. I was in pain for almost a month and they did the tricks. I never told anyone about it.  S said he took 2 years to forget about her crush, although they never been together and once he drank like 6 bottles of cocktail vodka at once just to get through the night. But I don’t want to waste more time because time is what I don’t have. I need to let go.

” Why me? Why would you confide to me? If you tell me your secret you might fall in love me. “ S was half jokingly said.

” Because I trusted you you won’t tell anyone and oh pleaseee you see too highly of yourself.” I was a little bit shocked because he really said it blatantly without any censorship. But I got there going, kept it ambivalent and safe. I really like him, to be honest and I can’t just show my cards like that.

“Do you still love him?”

“I…I’ll always love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore.”

I have to be sure that S will not be the rebound guy. I have to be clear about my feelings.

The next day, we exchanged a few messages as I sent him the blog post. While somewhere along he wrote ‘we also already become close friends, later we become strangers hahahahaha’. Silly boy, I won’t let that happen to us. I won’t repeat the same mistake again. Not again.

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