The moment I tried to convince myself not to fall in love again.

An open letter to anyone who is struggling with love,

Remember? The end of November 2012, by random chance you met D: a quirky person who seems to be interesting but physically he’ll never be your type as you always incline towards someone who is bulky-muscular-sexy-looking like Taylor Lautner. He was never your type and you were not his too, as his dream girl is Scarlett Johansson. Automatically, we placed each other into friendzone. But he is like the best thing ever happened to you since the beginning of freshman year. You never met anyone who is so in-sync with you. You told him what you love and hate, and he told you about his previous crushes. You can talk to him literally about everything in this world, from silly sexual jokes to deepest secrets and fears. You never felt so vulnerable in front of anyone. Because, you never meet anyone who can bring your guard this far down, someone who can talks to, all night till dawn.

Eventually your heart felt a little different. A new feeling that born within. You don’t understand that feelings because you never felt that way before. Each day you long for his presence, feeling excited about your meeting with him. Somehow your heart pounds faster every time you see him. You smile like an idiot every time receives message from him. Your brain automatically releases endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine every time he touches you lightly (or by accident). He was your own brand of opiates. You get high from his mere presence. Somehow you started to yearn for his attentions and grace.

By the near end of that year’s spring semester, fear starts to creeps you, because you know you have to be apart from him for the whole summer. Suddenly, everything is so crystal clear to you.

“I think I like you more than I should.”

You felt in love. You confessed. You talked things out with him. But things didn’t fall into place. Although he had feelings for you, he didn’t fall that hard for you and you were not the only love to him. Besides, he is unsure about his sexuality makes him incapable to love anyone. Nonetheless, you still love him very much despite his flaws.

You were crushed. You spent your summer crying and dedicated most of your blog posts to him without his acknowledgements. For the whole fall semester, you tried to amend your friendship with him and rekindle your love relationship with him. But that didn’t happen. That only brought you yourself more frustration and tears, you started to question yourself why you confess at the first place, spoiling your perfect platonic relationship with him. At the end of fall semester 2013, you decided you spent too much energy on him and yearns for a new, fresh start.

After for almost eight months of struggles and relapses, you finally felt better about yourself. The memories of his no longer haunts you as you walk by the streets that you both used to roar. That zebra crossing where he used to hold your wrist so that you will cross the road safely. That lounge where you both always spend the time together, sharing ice-cream together in the cold chilly nights. Or your bed that he used to snuggle in. Eventually, everything starts to fade as your mind got used to them, they no longer haunt you.

And now, you found another boy. S, a cute guy who you always admire but never quite know him well. By chance, you get to spend some time with him. You felt happy every time you see him. But you never quite sure whether he is your rebound guy or you have moved on. This is the moment you felt so scare but yearn to be love, you start to question yourself.

“Do I want to fall in love again?”

And this is the moment I tried to convince myself not to fall in love again.

 

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