I insisted D to come over just to pick up his present yesterday because it can’t wait. I’m going home the next day and I won’t be around for his birthday. I bought him Jenny bakery cookies. We small chatted a bit, shared bits of our life. I ranted my last semester results, he ranted his.
He is now more conscious of what he must do and must not. He is more willing to let go of unnecessary stuffs in his life. His results are bad enough, he might want take an extra semester to cover it.
He said I looked pain.
“What? No…. what why my face is perfectly normal.”
Yes of course I looked pain. I was sad, feeling empathetic with him. Feeling as if my heart just got slashed and ripped apart when he is sad. I just can’t bear knowing that he is in such a devastating state.
I said he looked as if he just cried. Because when he was explaining, I saw the corner of his eyes gleaming. As if he tried to hold his tears. He insisted that he was just tired and said he was in hurry and he left. Leaving me alone, left unanswered.
All left with me was the empty room, with the song ‘Say Something’ by a great world and Christina aguilera from my laptop. I cried to that song. It was tears of pain and relieve. My heart felt pain for him. I miss him too much.
After the choir practice, random idea shook me, I was left with a few apples to spare and I need to give out asap. I thought of Kitty. Surely he wants them and I thought he’ll loved to have some cookies too and I loved to have some chat and accompany. So with a small wish I went to his room, wishing he’ll let me stay and chat a bit.
And he did, somehow let me stay, and we talked more this time, for almost 3 hours, till 2am. We gossiped a bit and I managed to dig out his ex story. Frankly I’m pretty surprised he wasn’t in a real relationship in past 5years. He is A1. I’m still sceptic, as he might just kept mum about his most recent love story. But I am glad he pretty open and comfortable talking to me about this . However, I don’t think I’m comfortable enough to talk to him about D yet. No, I’m not. I still feeling weird about all this. Because the last time I talked to D about J. This seems like a little déjà vu to me. Nonetheless, his affectionate smile and laughter makes my heart felt slightly better. Although just a bit.
And I’m not entirely sure what am I doing and why am I doing this. Am I trying to cope with post-D syndromes? With Kitty? Or he is just another replacement? I don’t know. I must figure out before it’s too late.