I’m going back to HK now for another 2.5 weeks before I’m coming back to KL for CNY. It’s not worth doing this I know. But staying in KL doing nothing for 6 weeks+1.5weeks CNY holiday is unbearable. I can’t just stay there and do nothing. I need to work on something, achieve something, do something in order to feel good about myself. And seeing others are doing something, achieving something, I can’t just waste this precious time on doing nothing, idling there. I simply shouldn’t and I should be taking appropriate actions. I needed the change and and the motivations to be a better self this year.
I have to take care of the choir, msian night, interviews and study. I need to use my time wisely, probably filled with lots of stuffs that I don’t really care or like, but I still do it for the sake of my future prospects. I’ve learn to cope a bit better than I used to, while I used to sulk so badly and deeply that it breaks me down every time things gone wrong. Now I felt better. Slightly better. This trip home made me felt slightly better. My dad introduced me a business book named ‘The Diamond Cutter’, which talks about Buddhism and Diamond business altogether. It was an interesting reading indeed. Although most of the stuffs I’ve learnt them from either my dad or my psychology/counseling courses, I likes the way he narrates his unconventional American monk /CEO life in New York. It sorta clear up my mind a bit in a good way, teaches me to be mindfulness and imprints, and compassion.
I spent plenty of time (well I will say 50% of my 3 weeks holiday) with slim bitch, while fat bitch I only seen her twice due to her stupid Australian summer school in winter period in Malaysia( this is ridiculous isn’t it?). Slim bitch is much better now. She gained her weight to the previous normal level, although she did occasionally counts her calories intake, but she is now way way better, compared to the last time I see her in person(which is almost a year ago). At least she is now in good shape, unlike the last time, she was freaking anorexia/bulimia/definitely with eating disorders. Meanwhile, fat bitch is weird. She was quiet the last two time I met her. Very much unlike her and not like we used to be, 3 of us can be so noisy and annoying, teasing each others and poking fun with each other. But I guess she was too focused and occupied with her studies.
Meanwhile, for this 3 weeks I’ve shared my room with my grandma. I never really fancy her. She just sometimes being pure annoying and particularly choosy and picky. Even my parents sometimes can’t stand on her picky-ness. And I have to bear with that. I felt much calm this time facing her, as sometimes she can give me some hard time and she can stand on my nerves. This time I take her almost invisible. I don’t talk with her more than necessary. It felt better, slightly. This is just some measures that I took so I can carry on my life, happily and smoothly. One thing I found, my mom doesn’t really understand her that well. Not as good as my dad or me. As her daughter, my mom actually never really spend much time with her whenever grandma stay over. Because she is working full time and my dad is the one who take care of grandma. Funny thing, I do have an unconventional family.
I was pissed last night after being ignored for so many times by D, I kinda shoot him straightforward and tell him how I felt. I sorta ‘scold’ him over FB. I scold him a horrible person. At first he thought was a joke, reply me with a smiley tongue out.
“And I am seriously pissed. You’re indeed a horrible person from this aspect.”
“T.T. It just that when I don’t know the answer to it I read the next one thinking I’ll come back to answer eventually.”
“yeah i know this may happens but if you keep doing this over and over and that will hurt other people’s feelings. and that makes other felt bad about themselves.”( I might just as well said my feelings)
“i know. sorry ><. i have been very distant havent i”
“yes you’re. where hav you been?”
I need to make him know, realize this. Wake him, tell him and remind him of this. I must tell him he must not just drift off like this. Clearing this off my chest, after sobbing for almost an hour for this matter seems worth it. He must know about this. I can’t wait to go back and see him.