The moment when feelings does not make sense.

I guess this is the moment, where things does not make sense, or feelings does not make any sense, at all.

Today is a special day. I got my own guitar. A 3/4 acoustic Fender. Expensive, but I gonna make my hobby permanent and worth it.

And of course. I dragged one person that knows guitars and willing to help me to choose one. Yup. J, my previous crush who leads me to D.

We haven’t been talking or chatting that often lately, or the last eleven months, I should say. I choose to stop ‘us’ before it my freshman second semester starts. And today I got the chance to talk to him in private, after so long. It was good catching up.

And of course, our favorite topic– dating.

I wasn’t willing to share my part of story, the story of D. So I just said it nonchalantly. Act cool.

“Haha. Nothing happened. “

He told me about someone. He’s new interest.

“Interesting….How long already?? You know there is something called a window –like a grace period that you need to take actions before it is too late?? “

“It’s been seven months…”

“Okay… you’re saying seven months already, and you are not going to take any actions?? it’s seven months!!!”

“yeahhh… I don’t know I don’t think I’m gonna do it.”

“so who’s that? “

“someone you’ll not be expecting and you probably will be surprised….”

“ok… thats… creepy…………so it’s from your faculty??”

**at this point my head started spinning. There is a few candidates but I can’t be sure)

“no it’s from yours!” 

**at this point, I was swearing. NON-STOP. Because that girl is my friend, we shall call her KT. We’re practically studying the same stuffs so we’re kinda ok friends. But knowing this, comes as a shocker, while I was confused at the same time and not surprise by this. Because it’s already 7 months and I have no clues about this, so it’s a shocker here for me but not surprise that he’s interested in her because they’ve been in a same band for quite some time.


**it kinda kept on going for some time

I’m sincerely happy for them. I put up a smile and wished him luck.

So yeah…. nightmare. I felt, mix up. The feelings. I’m not too sure why. I’ve listed down several reasons:

1. I might have told KT something, something bad about J, or accidentally gossiped about him. YIKESSSS.

2. He’s your previous crush. Somehow, there always be some ‘residues’ in your heart.


And now, I felt better writing all this down. I was close to ram into D’s room to talk about this. I suddenly felt how he felt when I confessed to him last time, while it coincided with his crush gone into relationship. I kinda felt him.

The abandonment. It felt like your sky just fall down a bit. The air is getting thinner. As if you almost can’t breathe. The heaviness in your chest so pronounce that you’ll want to grasp for air.

I need to breathe.


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