Control and distractions.

I need to control on how I feel. Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed by my inability, my weakness, or what ever you call it. I needed distractions, like D said. ALOTS of them. I bought a pan and I cook myself. I go for archery classes(which is pretty nice, I always wanted to be Katniss from the Hunger Games). Played badminton. Watch movies (inspirational, classic, mostly). I redecorate my room.

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I need to be my better self.

I go out eat with my PhD guy friend and another guy friend, Timo, who is younger and more childish and egoistic and banana but he doesn’t seems to see that himself, while he thought that he understands me well but the truth is not. Okay. I’ll talk about him next time.  But they didn’t seems to work very well. I need more, stronger distractions.

‘I need my friends back.’

On the journey back to dorm from my brother’s place, I felt bad. Seriously bad. I miss home. My brother is the only relative that I have here. But he has a girlfriend who stay with him and a couple friends staying at his place too. Again, I leave his house feeling lonely. He always has someone in his life. He always been a lucky man. But i’m happy for him.

I never have anyone in my life. I’m 20 and I never been in any relationship. But I am fine. It just that I need friends to fill up the slots in my heart. But my friends are not here. There is one, D. But it’s unfair isn’t it? I don’t even know where we stand.

Feeling bad. I felt like crying most of the time. I thought of doing stuffs will lift me off. I thought distractions will do me good but they are not working. I felt like go for drinking but that won’t solve my problem and I can’t really drink. I felt like going to pierce my ears as a symbol of determinations but it doesn’t seems to work that way.

Shit. What should I do, dear folks?

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