I’m sorry I haven’t been posting anything since I got back from Ghana. I’ve been preoccupied with my essay and presentation. It’s been stressful.
I’m being sadden by the fact that I’m being so insecure with myself. I’m being such a no confident person. I’m now back to my usual setting. Back to Hong Kong, back to normal. But again, I hate this. I find myself jealous with J again.
I am so lack of confident with myself due to the fact that I couldn’t be as popular as she does, having as much friends and connections with people as she does. I’m discontent with my inabilities. I felt helpless. That I couldn’t do anything to improve myself; to change into a better person. Or I should say, I need to talk to people more and make more connections with people(powerful people), which will eventually helps me in my future PhD studies.
But again, I hate myself for jealous of what she has and achieved. Well, and I find myself hate her at the same time I have to be her friend for the rest of my life. We are friends and we should be friends. We were bed-mate/roommate for two months. I should be liking her.
But it doesn’t seems to be that way. After I came back, I still find her constantly being the pain in ass and I find no similar interests/conversational topic between us. And I hate myself for having such thinking because I’m blaming my disabilities and underachievement on other people, or rather improving myself. I just kept disliking myself even more isn’t it? It’s depressing. I am depressing. I am in the chain of hating. Maybe I am the one who is being the pain in ass. Being such, I will just kill myself, easier.
Nonetheless, I wanted someone to talk to about this. I thought of calling D. I know he can talk this out. I found myself checking at the Facebook chat list. I wanted to just call him on the phone. But I was scared. I was so scared that he won’t pick up my call. And that won’t be helpful. It will just makes things worst. Makes me feeling bad and more depressing about myself. But I just need a friend. I found myself more aware of how I feel recently. I love him and I care for him. I’ll always do. But I can’t be in love with him, or I never really in love with him (this one I’m still puzzled). I need a friend more than a lover. Someone I could talk to, freely. Without fearing that he will judge me. But I didn’t call him at the end. Because I am scared.
I am still puzzled. I still thought of C. Her image sometimes still pops into my mind. She really reminds me of T. I found myself in a constant confusion where I suddenly find hot guys not as attractive than I used to find them. I found myself stare at girls more than I usually does and this is not me. My mom’s words kept pops into my mind.
“sometimes I find myself confused too!!”
And I am confused again.