Have you ever listen to your dark side?
J told me she can’t sleep last night because she just received a rejection letter from 1 of 5 internship enquiries in Singapore. And she is wondering where can she gonna stay if she got a intern there. I was startled. She didn’t tell me she is going to apply for any stuffs in Singapore. I thought she was actually talking nonsense before this and I took it lightly. And now as she talks about something like that I just took it and reply her nonchalantly.
I was actually sad and feeling her action and talking just being pure pain in ass. Whenever she talks about stuffs like interns or her job, I just felt really bad about myself. I am actually very much jealous of her and at the same time dissatisfied with my inability to communicate or talk to people more freely. We are pretty much want the same thing but with both of us together she somehow overwhelmed me as there is still a lot of things that I couldn’t do better than her. While I am in a constant struggle with myself, struggling with what I want to do and what should I be doing and what I can do. I am constantly seeing myself being so deficient that I could barely see I could still be in this part of ‘competition’. Oh well, ‘internal struggle’ I guess. I am in a limbo where I know what I want but just being incapable to doing anything to make it possible. I could really wish I could improve my communication skills, as I often find myself being a socially awkward penguin. Or just me being not willing to open up to others and keeping everything to myself. My confidence or my mood of wanting to know others or new people somehow dropped into the ocean floors.
I am no longer wanted to make new friends as I am still very much feeling disgusted by Daniel, who makes me feels like a shit and assuming the involvement of me being part of the HK supremacist! I am clearly innocent and the martyr in this unofficial third world war. But I am unwilling to defend myself as I thinks there is no such necessary to do so, due to the fact that he indirectly insulted me as when he told the random crazy loud-voiced preacher who rammed into our vehicle to ” don’t bother them they don’t talk in English”. I was literally furious but I composed myself well. I don’t want to waste my energy anyway. This is the point where I felt deeply disappointed with his attitude. Although that has been more than a week ago, but the awkward tension still exist as we don’t talk at all, even in a same space not even saying hi. While constantly there are new volunteers coming in, and I’ll meet them at office, I just simply don’t want to talk to them too. They didn’t bother us either. I am very much disappointed but well, there is nothing much I can do isn’t it? Very much as first instance I could somehow tell that Daniel has somewhat told them about the problems about us and somehow the new volunteers will just ignore us or outcast us. He will never speak to us unless he wants something.
Today I felt more introspective than I usually does and probably way too much. Maybe too much of walking makes me thinks a lot? Maybe. But I think incoming menses will probably be a way better explanation for my overthinking. At some point I distracting myself with other stuffs whenever I comes to this stuff. I am not doing anything to fix it isn’t it while I should/ must!
Maybe I am really pathetic. I complained too much. I am dissatisfied with myself while I didn’t take any actions to change this. I am in this constant struggle with myself, while my brain is fucking herself. I am pretty much fed up with this shit.
I don’t really like myself.