“I’m not sure whether I admire him or like him.”
– a friend of mine commented when we asked about her previous crush.
Once I asked myself. I thought I was admiring his talents and ability to just talk so spontaneously about everything and to anyone. I’m pretty much a person that just simply hard to approach and I don’t like just go random talk to strangers. I don’t know why and I simply don’t.
Day 11 or Day 13 after the talk
I don’t know. How should I be feeling? It felt like it’s been quite some time. But maybe not. It’s just 13 days. It’s not even a month. I place his picture on my phone’s wallpaper so that I’ll be able to see him everyday. The truth is, it is not enough. Today I browse through my facebook straight after I woke up. I was looking after his posts or comments. I was tracing his activities.I want to know what he is doing. I miss him so much. I tried to facebook him. But his replies always been short or no reply at all. That frustrates me a lot. But what can I do anyway. I was lying on the bed with my friend still sleeping. My tears just comes out naturally.
My heart is torn. His heart too.I know I’ve been handling this situation very well. But at some days such as today, maybe PMS, I get crazy emotional. The Script songs helps
. I thought the distance will help me get through this. But it seems like I am constantly looking for the shadow of him. I tried to remember how he smiles, how his hair looks like, his smells, his touch. When I get bored, I’ll just loop my memory of his. Tried to remember each and every details of his. Those days and nights we spent together. Part of me keep trying to remember all of his while another part of me just wants to forget about this. But reviving our happy days it’s the only way to keep me alive, get through the day. Because without it, I don’t know what I have and left with me. I have nothing to grasps on.
I know moving on is what I should be doing but it’s difficult. I have nothing here and no one for me to focus on and move on after him. Nothing is worthy for me. I’m so depressing and pessimist. I’m so lonely here and no one to talk to.
Again. I’m pathetic. And probably I’m not that lovable. What is left with me?
All I can do is cry in silence, because I don’t want my roomies to know about this.