4 June, 2013

I don’t regret about it. We sat down and talked for 3 hours. Mostly silence and thinking.

At first he wasn’t sure what I mean last Sunday, but I cleared it out as my feelings are more than just friends.

I’m really happy that it talk it out. At least it won’t be that hurtful if I ever gonna have the question mark in my heart. But did I hurt him? I asked if he’s angry with me. I asked whether he’s upset. I asked him whether he will be running away from me. He said he’s not. He’ll try not to run away from me but he can’t promise. Because now it’s a difficult time. We both needed the time and space to cool this off.  But we are still friends. It just that I’ve choose a pretty shitty timing to say this because his crush just announced that she is seeing someone else and that night I dropped the bomb. And he is in deep shit that he’s failing a lot.

When he said that we’ll be over and I’ll be mad at him and hate him if he said that (his crush just crushed his heart by seeing someone else). I forced him to say it out loud. He did. I was a bit surprised but I wasn’t that angry. I can’t be mad at him. I can’t hate him. I just can’t. It’s not his fault. He’s still young.

By then, I hope I can still see him when the fall semester begins. But he couldn’t promise. He might or might not be back to our dorm anymore. That hurts me more than anything. He can just leave and I’ll heard nothing from him. Anymore.  I did asked him whether I’m losing him he said I’m not. Ever.

I knew we are impossible. It just that leaving HK its so hard for me, so much so its harder than leaving Malaysia.We’ll agreed to take the summer as time and space to cool this off. Probably laugh about this when the fall semester begins. It was okay.  But it’s not a good news if you’re saying.
We are still friends.
And I’m going to Ghana. He kept saying two months can change a lot. But I highly doubt it. I really take this friendship seriously and him too as he said I’m the only new friend that he has since university. I mean a sincerely good friend. And I felt the same way too.
But the separation somehow kills me and kept me crying. The heaviness in my heart just wasn’t lifting. Feeling suffocated. I should be breathing. I need to breathe. I’ve to learn how to breathe without him. But the memories of his is everywhere I go. I almost cried in public a few times because they reminded me of him.
Now I’m listening to The Script and I’m getting all their lyrics. Somehow D is so important to my life. I needed the time to detox myself too. Two months and lots of distractions. I guess that should be just fine and enough.

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