Moving on?

Saturday, June 1, 2013

1.44am

I gone momentary overflow of feelings. I burst into tears again. I’m glad I’m in a single room where I can cry whenever I want. I’ve been crying everyday. It starts to become my habit.

11.30pm

He joined the poker game after my good friends and I played a few rounds. Like old days. Our Friday poker night. It’s always my favorite. All my favorite peoples together. He said he’s going back tomorrow (Saturday) and coming back again this Sunday. And after the Sunday night farewell party, he’s going home for realz on Monday although the real check out date it’s Tuesday. Not coming back till the next semester.  I realized, how short time we are left together. Counting down is not a good thing. That depress me a lot.

He forgotten how fast I am going to leave HK for Ghana. iHe looked confused when my 2 other friends asked him to send me off as they will not be free to do so. I was quiet. Sitting right in front of him. He looked at me, I tried to hide my pain and sadness. I closed my lips, trying to act as if I wasn’t listening, looked right into his eyes. I see sadness and pain. And he tried to change the topic so that his feelings won’t dwell on it. The night ends early around 1am+. He left to do his laundry and clean up his room.

2.30am

I was pretty much feeling exhausted after a long day of play and BBQ but I don’t want to sleep. I took my chance ask him via FB whether he finished his laundry or not because all I want to do is to crash into his room and try to spend extra time with him. I brought a tub of ice-cream with me as I always feeling like to eat every time I cried.

His room is a mess. I thought he’s been cleaning up but it seems like exactly the same since the last time I was here. He even had 30days of wore socks in his room. His room probably smells more than I can smell because I just cried and my senses are off. He invited me to sit on his bed which he never allow me to. I was happy. Finally. I just sat there watch him cleaning up, tearing down pieces by pieces of his room while explaining each of the memory or use of particular object.

Momentary, he was confused and upset as he ran through his books. He started sitting there, saying he start to has this realization. Some sorta reflections of his first academic year in university. He was so introspective that I can see his forehead was pulling together. There was a few times he tried to suck in as if he was trying to hold his tears. And he told me his thoughts and plans for his coming semester. He realized his problems and I’m happy for him.  He asked me did I achieved anything or feeling content or happy or anything did change since the university days. I was once again speechless. There is a lot that I wanted to say but I left it blank. I didn’t feel like I’ve achieved a lot since uni but I was content with my life. I don’t have much to complain about. The only thing that I might have sacrificed is my family. I confessed I miss my bffs more than my family. I’m being such a heartless person. I said I was content but I’m not happy.

He figured I must have something to say as I was looking for him at near 3 am. He asked what is going on. I hesitated for a moment. I said the reason why I wasn’t packing is I hate changes. I hate moving. Yes I would like to see the world and it is indeed always been my dream but I felt bound to here, HK. The whole me is just being confused and feeling stuck. I never have this when I was leaving Malaysia. I hate to see people goes away. He kept mum. But I think he get what I mean.

************

All that is left with me is the empty luggage. I have nothing. It kinda eroding my sanity.

I’m not ready to move on, but everyone seems to be moving on. And I’m the only one staying behind after I come back from Ghana. I need to be alone for more than 2 weeks. It’s too much.  I hate this. Packing up, emptying the room. It’s so lonely. I hate it so much.

The time we have is too short. The memories that we have together is not enough.

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