“But then you realize what a beautiful thing emotional attachment is, it is really just so specific and unique and exclusive and individual.
It is painful. And beautiful. It defines so much of humanity.”
Yes. It is. It’s true. What D said as one old relative of mine just passed away. Losing people is part of life. As people grow old people dies. Or some just got unlucky and dies by accident.
Not sure since when, it’s hard for me to have emotional attachment for anyone. Probably since at some point of my life I lose too many of people by accidents or loss of connection. Losing people makes me heartaches. And tears. At some point your heart decides it is better to have less emotional attachment to stuffs. Some people just not worth to have emotional attachment with. Therefore I learned to attach to my family and my two other girl best friends and no other.
But as I study abroad at HK since last year, it is different. My family and bff are not here with me. I can say it’s seriously lonely. I sometimes compensate by skyping back to Malaysia to my bffs excessively. They are pretty annoyed by me I can assume. I once did skype my dad a lot but we have less to talk about.
But I met D at the end . He is the boy version of my bffs while he is being more intellectually stimulating. Slowly, our distance grow closer. His presence simply always be able to cheer me up at the end of the day. The gap gone smaller. We share a lot.
By the time, I realized I starts to have emotional attachment to him, it’s too late. My friends reminded me that every conversation that we had is about him. Over a weekend time, space and distance suddenly become a struggle and issue. I spend most of my time to think about him, missing him. Sometimes I smile like a idiot at myself because I recall some fond memories of us. It’s difficult for me not to think of him while memories of his is everywhere I go and almost everything I touch.
28 May 2013, Tuesday
He and I went out for dinner. Just two of us. Coincidentally all my other friends have their own stuffs to do. I was very happy. I wanted this opportunity for some time. We took the tram to a place further down a bit to eat and I need supplies for my Ghana trip. We bump into some friends at the eating place. My friend surprised me from the back with some tickle. It gave me a real shock. I was really shocked. She asked are we dating so far away from dorm? I was even speechless. I was thinking, we are not even in a relationship how on earth are we possibly dating?? He tried to turn this back by asking them to sit with us. So yeah. Screwed up dinner. But we did enjoy ourselves.
We both go some shopping afterward. He just cut his hair. Short and clean. He is rather baby fat when he just cut his hair. But that’s alright. I still like it. But sometimes along the front and back it’s messy because he never like to use wax or gel. As we hop on the escalator, I turned my body to face him as he was right behind me at the tiny escalator, we were almost at the same height. I reach my fingers to gently fix his messy hair. He didn’t resist me or smile. He just stared at me. He didn’t give me any reaction either. We went to supermarkets. But we didn’t spend much time browsing which is odd because he loves to browse around. He wasn’t in his best mood I guess.
Or he is thinking too much too? I am having some real hard time too. Packing up stuffs. I was subconsciously trying to delay everything. The emotional attachment to this place and him it’s making it really difficult for me to leave this place. I’m now left with 7 days. or 4 days with him. Everyday, every second that I left with I want to spend with him. But he is not here and I can’t blame him. He is packing up his stuffs back to his home too by batches.
Now my luggage still empty and I should start packing. And it is difficult. I miss him dearly already.