False hope.

I called him. After he wouldn’t reply my message for 2 days. I asked if he is alright? He said he is. I asked again because I can hear uncertainty in his voice. He said he just needs to let go of some stuffs for the next semester. He asked what plans I have this week. I said not many concrete plans. Actually I wanted to leave my schedule as empty as possible so that I can spend as long time as possible time with him. I find myself speechless again over the phone for quite some time. I wanted to say how much I miss him. I guess I replaced them with my speechlessness. I just want to listen to his voice.

**************

He said he will find me tonight. He didn’t. I asked him for drink. He said he has appointment 9am tomorrow. So he said we will talk tomorrow. I hate him. I hate him doing this to me. Giving me all the false hope. I’ve not seen him for 3 days since his exam is over and since he came back from home yesterday. He didn’t take the initiative even come and find me. I don’t really get it. Am I being a fool? Keep waiting and waiting for something and someone that probably don’t give a shit about  me?  I was having a bad day. Knowing that I was actually spending my precious time on nothing. I just spend my days idling there hoping that he will find me. I’m a fool.

Maybe the cider that I took while writing this gave me the overwhelming of emotions and I cried again. I’m weak. I’m having major headache while writing this. Or maybe it just the effect of the alcohol in my system. I hate myself. I hope there is a switch that I can flick so that my emotions will just turn off, like a vampire. Why am I doing this to myself? I started to doubt my decision that I made to fall for him for real.

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