It’s here. Finally. The judgement week where they will judge how much shit you’ve learnt for the entire semester. Honestly? I didn’t learn anything very much constructive for this semester. But anyway I’ll still have to do my best not to screw up my papers.
As I’m away from home, I missed the chance to celebrate Mother’s day with my family (which is sad, but I did skyped and awkwardly saying happy mother’s day to my mom and that’s all our conversation). It’s not like my relationship with my mom is not good, we are great, it just that we have nothing much to talk about and I don’t want to lie to my mom about stuffs, therefore I kept our conversation short. I know I’m a terrible daughter. I should treat my parents better.
I asked D for lunch. Sadly he went to celebrate Mother’s day with his family. He needs that. He needs to be with his family. He should cherish what I don’t have.
At night, he asked me whether I was in my room. Of course I was. Struggling, prepping for 1000-words-3-hours English paper that I hate so much. I wanted to see him too.
He came with his laptop (as usual), started talking about how shitty now his situation as he is now politically involved in some few committee thingy where one wrong step he will be screwed for life. I’m damn worried. I knew this day would come. He is such a thrill-seeker that he want to join stuffs like this. I’m never that proactive person and more of a neutral person. I know the reason why he join so many of this is because he take them as distractions from his studies. And he loves stuffs like this. Especially those will cause chaos.
Then he said that he is now screwed as he has only left with 1.5 days to cover his ridiculously hard math subjects(Engineering duh). I felt, again, helpless, just sat there, staring at him, listen to him. I wish I could do something but sadly I couldn’t (I’m social science student). And I noticed something. His eyes. At first when he walked into my room, I thought he was just damn tired because he’s been out all day and woke up early. But his eyes was clearly red, as if he was just cried. As he said how screwed up he is now, I can hear his voice starts to crack, as if his throat contracts and he was trying to hold his tears.
Oh god. Oh baby. He must have crying alone before he came to my room. I wanted to tell him it’s alright to cry in front of me. It’s alright to be vulnerable. He’s been always holding back. Few months back, he hesitated as he asked me whether I could be the ‘trashcan’ as he always felt happy to talk to me and he don’t want to put sad feelings when he’s with me. Silly him. I’ll always willing to listen to him no matter it is happy or sad. He did mentioned(indirectly) it’s always cheer him up to see me. Yes, he has the same effect on me too. ^^
Back to topic. I should have sit right beside him and hold him. Tell him it’s alright. But I didn’t (again and again) because I was having a brain freeze with what I should tell him. ORZ.
One thing I never really quite understand why he is so scare of tearing up in front of me? It’s been a few times he was clearly in this kind of situation. As it happens, he will just twist and change topic or just sort to bash out of my room and disappears. There was once I got emotional of something that I almost tear up in front of him, he just gave me a shock face and he tried to run out of my room (literally his hand already on the door knob). I quickly calm myself down and didn’t cry. He said a few words and he just left as if he was in a hurry.
Clearly, he was freaked out and I have no idea why. I guess he’s really scare of these crying thing. I should one day talk to him about this.