He went home, out of suddenly. That really surprises me…. or maybe not because I’ve asked him why he hasn’t been going home lately. He is guilty and gullible. I guess I made him guilty of not going home, made him felt sad about ‘abandoning’ his family, especially his little sister. Yesterday he said he was never going back home as he was too busy with all the homework and quizzes. In deep down I know that’s all bullshit. He can always go back home as it was just less than 2 hours bus trip. He can always go home at the weekends like all other local students do.

Today conveniently, he was at the main island, time to take to go home is even shorter. I guess he really miss his family. He once said that he never felt like going home during the weekends therefore there is no  need of going back home. Sometimes I think that I might be the one who ‘stopping’ him from going home, or he is just too busy with all the social activities that he has with others.  I have no right to stop him from going home. That will be too selfish.

1560.56 miles South West, away from my own country, a home where I call it mine. A home that I rarely miss. You can call  me a heartless bitch but in fact, I didn’t felt homesick as much as my fellow friends from the same country. Oddly, I don’t have the emotional attachment to my beloved country or my family. Somehow, at here 114.1833 22.2500, in this foreign land, I felt as if I’m at home.

Few weeks back, he once asked me whether I am going home after I finished my seminar at Hong Kong regarding my service trip to Ghana over the summer. I did thought of going back to Malaysia, as I haven’t been back for some time and going back seems like a choice but it will be a really short trip of 2 weeks before the fall semester starts. I was buzzed and split between choices. He said that he might come back to university and find me during the summer (as he will stay at home during that period of time). I was so happy when he said those words. So I decided to stay in Hong Kong. I’m not going home during that period.

I’m so easy to be convinced by him. I know, how bad it is. I am so emotionally attached to him. I , being away from him it’s a challenge. I need the nearness of him. Unable to see him for a day, it’s a kind of torture. It’s 3 am again. I miss him. I could’t help myself to tears up. Oh god, I’m the one should be fixed.   I have no idea what am I going to do, when I have to be away from him for two months.

I want him all to be mine. But things won’t work out that way, as long as he hasn’t figure out his own sexuality and shits. He might never be mine. My emotional attachment to him might just be that one thing that keeps my sanity going at here. Keeping me alive here in this foreign land. Knowing that I might need to detach from him someday, I’m not sure what will left in me. I might just be an empty vessel, like a zombie. I’m so alone here. Oh god, I’m such a pathetic  person.

Help me, anyone. Gosh. Just kill me.

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