He’s upset. I get it. The distance that grows between his younger sister of 10 years old and him. It is not that he can change. It is just simply something that changes as we grow up, older. He said he don’t want to change. Wanted their family to stick together. Dream of living together in a huge house. His face, sad face. He never intend to hide his despair about realization of the truth in front of me, or he just don’t care. He’s been stressful about some upcoming assignments and quizzes. He never thought that he is going to have this miserable and sad university life.
I want to say something. To perhaps cheer him up. But it seems like my words has no effect whatsoever on helping him to get through this. I’m the younger sister with two big brothers. I’m not sure since when, probably since my brothers moved out for college and come back home only over the weekends, my family is not always spending time with all the members together. Later with my second brother gone HK to study, my elder went NZ for work holiday, my mom wasn’t at home all the time due to social activities and works. All left is my dad at home with me. Not sure since when, words becomes less, conversations got lags; time spent together got even less. As then, I grew dependence on my fellow bffs when I was studying A level, staying outside, away from home, facing 2 of them 5 days a week, more than 12 hours per day. I’m not sure since when, I start to feel less. Lesser than I thought I will. I used to be so sensitive. So fragile. But the whole thing changed as I was too tired of being so emotional all the time, constantly feeling those emotions, paralyzing myself; slowing taking away my life, pieces of my sanity. So, I choose to switch that off. Like a vampire. I just somehow, slowly switch off my emotions .
I told him my situation and I consoled him not to feel bad. But my situation is not what he want and he wanted to change this. I was not being helpful at all. The more I said, maybe he will feel more sad. I was so helpless. He wanted to cry. But I think he just suck it back so that he won’t break down in front of me. To be honest, I don’t really scare of him crying. I just want him to feel better, if that’s what it takes.